How to Drink Naariyal Paani and Look Cool While You Are At It.

Like Lola Kutty's favourite beverage? Like Alex?
Some facts about the ubiquitous, humble coconut:
100% of Naariyal Paani joints are on the street. You needn't:
a) Sit down to have a drink
b) Look for a bottle opener
c) Get off from your horse... or car or bike or whatever it is that you ride
100% of Naariyal Paani vendors are men from God's own country (ruled by atheist Marxists right now). The Naariyals, though, come from Karnataka. These joints don't have a name. (no name, no name board, no MNS hassle, no taxes).

Here's a quick and dirty guide to "How to Drink Naariyal Paani, and Look Cool While You Are At It".

• Know the price. It doesn't take much to know (read the next sentence). INR 18/-. Anywhere in Mumbai.
• The man (called Alex on TV, but generally Ganesan, Kutty or Nair) will ask "Malai ya paani". Malai is the tender coconut that's like semi solid jello, but tastes much better. Say Malai if you want to eat that, otherwise just say "paaniwala".
• Watch out for the squirt when he peirces the coconut. The liquid causes a permanent stain on your clothes.
• Pick out the straw, enjoy.
• If you've asked for the Malaiwalla, the man will daintily chip out a larger opening. He'll also give you a natural spoon. Don't worry, it's perfectly hygeinic.
• Be careful when you're drinking from the Malaiwalla coconut. The water is always up to the brim.
• Don't haggle over the price, unless you are one of them ladies.
• Don't ask stupid questions like "Accha paani wala dena" - a coconut is a coconut is a coconut. They never taste the same. They aren't made in factories, you know. And there is no way the guy knows beforehand.
• Don't get alarmed when the guy taps the coconut before he gives it to you. He's just checking whether there are any frogs trapped inside.
• Don't judge the taste or the quantity of the water by the size of the coconut. It's the colour that matters. And the relative dryness of the outer shell. You know a dry coconut when you see one - it isn't green - it's a dry brown.

And here's where you can get your favourite Naariyal Paani from:
Around the next corner near where you are right now
OR:

1. Adjacent to McDonald's, Opposite VT Station. Nothing remarkable but you can watch all the college kids poison themselves at McDonald's.
2. Adjacent to McDonald's, Opposite Andheri West. This spot is a permanent meeting spot for couples and friends, a lot of umm... people watching.
3. Opposite SNDT Churchgate, near Khau Galli (Oval Maidan). The plus point? SNDT Churchgate. Not bad entertainment.
4. Opposite Passport Office, Parel. Boy does he do roaring business!
5. SV Road, Irla - two opposite to each other. They're brothers I think.
6. Andheri Kurla Road, a few feet away from the temple just outside the station.
7. Andheri Kurla Road, Marol Pipeline. The area is quite unhygienic so skid right past.
8. Saki Naka "State Bank". Two of them, and one inside Saki Naka Pipeline. The area is full of mallus... makes sense. Brisk business, and generally good stuff. A mallu worth his mundu knows his coconut water, so they don't fool 'em out here.

And about the looking cool part... I don't know, if I knew I would've been SRK. Dress like Lola Kutty or Alex. That'll be really cool!